The way couples deal with anger often makes or breaks a relationship. Don’t settle for shouting matches and door to door matches. Here, a therapist provides tips to help you deal with the cracks of your relationship effectively
Anger is a natural and natural human emotion that makes anyone aware of its presence, even to which it does not address. Unfortunately, anger often revolves around our interactions with the romantic partners we love most. However, emotion in relationships does not mean that emotions such as anger are expressed in an uncontrollable manner. Managing anger and managing your reaction to an angry partner is a useful skill that can promote intimacy and maturity in a romantic relationship.
As a therapist, I often challenge my clients to think about how their reactions to relationships come about, the way they want to be partners. So often we stop friends, or try and control our partner in response to our anger. Although these strategies can make us feel comfortable at this time, they are rarely effective in the long run. Let’s take a look at four simple strategies for overcoming anger and increasing maturity in your relationship.
As individuals, there are certain things that are likely to ignite an angry response or an anxious response that can lead to conflict. Often these are things like money, politics, religion, gender, upbringing or family drama. It is easy to assume that having different opinions can lead to anger and conflict, but more often when we do not hold real opinions, we have an involuntary reaction to these issues. So instead of hanging on to resolve disputes as quickly as possible, shift your attention back to responding as maturely as possible. This does not mean that you have to endure abuse or instability from a partner, or even that you need to be in a relationship. Maturity simply doesn’t let your emotions run the show completely as it looks like, “What’s my best version of this situation?” And it’s unlikely to shout at your best self-loathing door or your loved ones
If you are overwhelmed by the amount of anger in your romantic relationship, consider yourself 50% of the equation. Perhaps your partner will grow to the same level of maturity, or you will feel that the relationship is not right for you. Either way, you don’t want to let anger run the show. When a person can make this choice for themselves, they are likely looking for a partner who can do it.
When a person fights with a significant other, sometimes they slam a door and insist on giving them a silent treatment. Staying quiet can temporarily calm you down but it is likely to increase your partner’s anxiety or anger. This does not mean that you have to solve a problem by sitting in the heat of the moment. Instead of zooming in or out of the driveway, consider telling your partner that you need some time to calm down so that you can adjust your thinking. Let them know that it is important for you to make a difference and consider what is the right time for you to think about them and come back.
If you miss an anniversary or skip dinner with your parents, if your partner gives you a silent treatment, you probably don’t have to worry about what’s going to happen. You cannot talk to them, but you can share that you are ready to share your thoughts and work together when they are ready. An attempt to force or threaten them for a quick reunion can be intensified and cause them to disintegrate further.
Focus on managing yourself (and not your partner)
When we love someone who is angry with us, we often feel compelled to seek satisfaction and comfort. But in the end, we cannot control someone’s thoughts, behavior or feelings – we are only given the responsibility to manage ourselves. Silence is much more effective than trying to calm someone else, and those who can focus on managing their concerns and reactions can give the other person a chance to do the same. So, “Please calm down!” Instead of saying, try to take some deep breaths and lower your heart rate.
Similarly, if you are angry with your partner and want to change their behavior, then your efforts to control them can cause negative reactions. The goal is to share your thoughts in the hope that you will be heard, not to embarrass another person. Remember, if your words and mannerisms illuminate your partner’s brain, your hearing is impossible. Impurity often leads to immaturity in relationships. Sending a thick text to your partner while they are at work or waking up to your complaint at midnight may seem appropriate, but this strategy rarely increases conflict.
Be aware of triangles
When you are angry or become a partner, a friend, your children, or even your doctor may complain. It is often called a sensitive triangle when we use a third person to handle our stress about another person. Exploring is completely human and is not wrong. But sometimes this “triangle” avoids problems in our core relationships, and it can make your partner feel isolated or more protective. So the next time you’re upset with your spouse, and you are tempted to keep the phone, ask yourself, “Am I asking for help or just want to agree with me? “If that’s the case, try to calm yourself down before telling anyone else. And while there’s nothing wrong with disputing a relationship with your therapist, keep in mind that being neutral is work for them and helps you think best – no need to agree with the villain of your partner’s story is.
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