When Your Partner Only Has Eyes for You
It may seem at first to be a fantasy, we are living the dream; our partner is so enraptured with us that they cannot function without us. They may text us constantly, call to speak to us regularly throughout each day, want to know what we are doing, see us whenever they are free, are disappointed if we are unable to see them.
This situation can make us feel sexy, desirable, wanted, but how long can we sustain this for? Do we really want a person in our life who is so obsessed with us that they appear unable to function whenever we're not around? No one wants a partner who openly lusts after every attractive person they see, it can feel demeaning and upsetting, but there needs to be a sense of balance in any relationship.
- Window shopping can be fun. I remember being in a rock club some years ago. A girl walked by wearing a bustier, fish net tights and a tight black leather mini skirt. I asked my man if he had seen her, to which he replied ' yes, about half an hour ago!' We both laughed because she was sensational, he could hardly have missed her unless he was blind. And that's the point. We do not become impervious to other people's charms because we are in a relationship. So long as it's window shopping and no more we can feel good that our partner appreciates other attractive people but chooses to be with us.
- Other people add value to our lives. No one can reasonably expect their partner to satisfy all their needs. We may have friends with whom we discuss work related problems. Our partner may not know much about this subject and may not be particularly interested either. Talking things through with a friend or colleague can mean that we are calmer and more relaxed when we return home. We've addressed our concerns and can then let them go.
- We may have friends from before our present relationship, people who've known us forever. It is important to maintain those special people in our lives because of the shared intimacy and affection, but also because they give us security, continuity, almost a family presence. Even if we see a little less of them when we are in a relationship they are still a loving presence in our lives. Loyalty and respect are a part of that bond; at times we may want to see them and at times they may want or need to see us. A new partner should be able to respect that loyalty and closeness.
- Hobbies and interests often generate friends. If our partner is not especially interested in our hobby it can be important to still maintain our involvement. It can be a mistake to drop existing commitments when we become involved with a new person. Firstly, you were the person who had this interest when you both met and were attracted to each other, secondly, it provides something different to talk about when you both meet up and thirdly, if the relationship doesn't work out you have maintained some interesting parts of your life.
- Family are usually an important consideration. If we have children of our own then they will be first priority in our life and that's a given. How many of us would feel uneasy about a relationship with someone who'd walked away from their family responsibilities. We would most likely need some reassurances about their integrity and family values. No matter how difficult family relationships are, parents, siblings are often able to pull at people's heart-strings and require some ongoing input and involvement.
- Advice and perspective are often a factor. Other people, whether they be family or friends may intervene if they see us behaving in an unreasonable or inappropriate way. Sometimes they may have an ulterior motive behind their advice; they may feel jealous or sidelined by our new relationship. But if we have problems or are in a dilemma, family and friends often care enough about us to be supportive and have our best interests in mind. They can provide an alternative perspective on our situation.
It's important to remember that different people add a variety of qualities and input to our lives, just as we add to theirs. Being committed to a loving relationship doesn't mean that we need to shed the friendships and other valuable and special relationships from our lives.
Relationships can be difficult to negotiate. When we become close to someone we become vulnerable and that can be a scary situation for some people. Susan Leigh is a Counsellor and Hypnotherapist who works with clients to improve their confidence, heal their past negative experiences and enable them to learn to trust people and themselves again. She also helps couples in crisis to help improve communications and understanding.
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